As a Matter of Fact,
I Do Know Everything

How to Dig Yourself Out of a Rut

by Kevin Kerby

     Ah February. This hard-to-spell, strangely short month signals the beginning of the long depression. Christmas and New Year are over, the only holidays we have to look forward to are Valentine's Day (don't get me started) and fake bank holidays.
     Sure there's the Fourth of July, but what is that really? It's an excuse to drink too much and shoot bottle rockets at your friends with some sort of “Happy birthday America” idea behind the assault on your friends and your liver.
     Yes, dear reader, this is the time of year when it becomes easy to fall into the trap of “feeling uninspired.” This trap can feel inescapable, like there's a weight pressing down on you keeping you from being, well, inspired (if you need an example, go back and read that last sentence.
     We'll use me for an example. Since I know me better than I know anyone else, this should work out just fine.
     I have been writing songs seriously since I was 18 (nearly 20 years) and at least once a year there comes a time when I am convinced that I have written my last song. Trust me, my wife can vouch for this—you kind of don't want to be around me when this happens.
     I'm moody, short tempered and just not much fun to be around. And when I'm in a period of “creative panic” you can multiply all of that by ten.
     Here is what I've found, though: it won't be this way forever. I know, it feels like it will, but trust me, it will pass. Here is a short list of things to do to help it pass more quickly:

1. Go to shows. You never know when inspiration will strike. I've been hit out of the blue with some great ideas while watching rock shows. And remember, the shittier the band, the faster inspiration strikes because you just want to get out of there.

2. Booze. Now, you have to be careful with this one. Just like you can wake up next to an ugly girl, you can wake up with a Hall and Oates B-side. It then becomes the age-old game of trying to remember if you called people to tell them about this awesome song you just wrote. Just pray you didn't send a copy of it to Ryan Adams. He'd probably put it on his next record and frat boys would be singing it for years to come.

3. Grow a beard. Trust me, this works like a charm. You don't even really have to write any songs. People just assume you've been in the lab cookin' up some good stuff because you look like Einstein. Be careful though, comparisons to Castro could follow.

4. Hang out with people who have no artistic talent at all. You will be bored to death, but you will become their king by the end of the week. Unfortunately, that is about as long as you will be able to stand it.

5. “A writer writes—always.” I'm not really sure what that means.

6. Listen to Neil Young's Landing On Water and realize that it is not always good to be prolific.

7. Listen to your friends' records and critique the hell out of them. Then talk about how you could have done that and throw up off the side of their porch.

8.Wear costumes. You may not feel inspired, Chief Tapthatass may have something to say (you should imagine me in a homemade headdress and house shoes for this one).

9.Let people tell you over and over again that your second record was your best one and that you will probably never top it... Oh, wait, this doesn't actually help at all.

10. Finally, realize that no matter how hard you work, no matter how good you get at what you do, it makes absolutely no difference in the world.

See you on the Fourth!

Kevin Kerby is a writer and musician living in Little Rock. His debut solo album, The Secret Lives of All Night Radios, is out now on Max.

Column archive: December 11, 2005; December 20, 2005

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