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Cheaper Than Popov: Can I Go for Free? by Chloe Star
Hi. My name is Chloe Star. Yes, some people just make up a stage name when they're 12. Other people actually get the law involved. That's me—I'm a “doer.” What I got ain't much. Just some carpal tunnel, a laptop, and three college Psychology courses. But I'll be glad to help you fix your crappy life. My advice is cheaper than drinking. It's safer than guns. And like the industries responsible for these products, I cannot be held legally responsible for what you do with my advice.
Dear Chloe Star, As a fan of all things film, I look forward to the Hot Springs Documentary Film Festival every year. But as usual, this year I am bordering on broke. Technically speaking, the festival is free, though the suggested donation is $5 per film or $15 per day. I could scrape up the $15. Probably. But honestly, part of the fun of a visit to the festival is drinking a few cold, gigantic Spatens at the Brauhaus biergarten right next door between films and chatting with friends about what we've seen and about what I think should be done about the bastard children of prostitutes on the streets of Calcutta. Should I feel bad for wanting to cruise in there using the "technically, it's free" card while spending money on the braus? —Docu-Drama in the Spa City
Dear Docu-Drama, Before you head out to Hot Springs, you might want to consider something: What is a documentary? It's real people either succumbing to or overcoming adversity, i.e. look in the fucking mirror. That's you. You're pathetic, poor, and are attempting to accomplish something. My suggestion? Save your $15 and place a free classified ad: “Pathetic person seeks film crew to document struggle.” And, before you know it, you'll not only be an indie media darling, but you'll be getting into every film festival. For free!
Dear Chloe Star, Every damn day at work when I'm eating my lunch (which, due to time constraints, I usually end up doing at my desk), the man who works next to me begins talking (and talking, and talking) to me as soon as I start chomping. He's not a mean-spirited person, but it's very annoying. He has a captive, chewing audience and he pounces. He'll speak about anything: Whatever he's looking at on the computer, what his landlord did yesterday, what his cat did (I never should have revealed I have a cat!). All I can do is nod and offer an occasional "mm-hm," but I often just tune him out and chuckle if it seems like he's paused for a chuckle, but doing so pains me. Oddly enough, he usually shuts up when I'm done eating. How could I politely suggest that if he'd like to tell me something to please wait until I am through taking my lunch? —Annoyed Masticator
Dear Masticator, Are you for real? My first instinct is to say quit your job, but I know that's probably not feasible or you wouldn't even be writing me. And, as you probably aren't willing to quit your job, I'm betting you also aren't willing to kill your co-worker, which would be my next suggestion. So maybe the problem here isn't your annoying co-worker, but rather your lack of dedication. If you hate something, commit to destroying it. Don't fuck around like a total girl (which I'm assuming you are since you have a cat) and ask your friends and strangers for advice on how to politely resolve the conflict. Once you realize how lame this passive aggressive approach is, the solution will become totally clear: Stay after work and download kiddie porn onto his computer. He'll be fired inside of a week.
Dear Chloe Star. A friend from overseas (he's Belgian, not that that matters) has sent me an invite to yet another on-line thingy. This one's called Hi5. You join and are immediately connected with all the friends of the person who invited you or some such. Ugh. Another one! But I'm tempted despite my reservations cuz he made the effort and I never get to chat with him anymore. What to do? —Little Dilemma in Little Rock
Dear Little Dick in Little Rock, Fuckin' shit. Another one? Chloe Star says slow your roll and stick with your existing social networking sites. Besides, this sounds like some sort of a performance art piece. Think about it. Hi5, a k a HIV, and when you get it, everyone around you gets it too. Yeah. this is bullshit.
Dear Chloe Star, If I find myself hungry someday while in a Belgian rail station and I see the Sbarro stand, and since I've never tried Sbarro before, and since I claim to enjoy pizza and pizza-y products I decide to give it a shot, should I choose a slice of seafood pizza? Seafood pizza! I mean, is that a good idea? Why would anyone do this?! —Ugh, Why!?
Dear Ughwhy, Because of a problem. An emotional Problem. The end.
Chloe Star is not licensed by any professional organization, psychiatric or otherwise, although she hopes to complete her Flying Saucer "Beer Knurd" membership requirements by the spring. Please send all requests for advice to cheaperthanpopov@gmail.com.
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